Crazy People at Work, Part 1: Francis the Farter

The most interesting thing about working here are the people. One of my favorite people (and by favorite, I don't mean that she's my bff, I just mean that she's quite a character) is Francis the Farter. Obviously, that's not her real name, but in order to protect the innocent she shall henceforth be referred to as Francis.

Why, you might ask, is she named Francis the Farter? Well, it's for pretty obvious reasons. She farts. A lot.

Francis works in the cubicle to my left. She is probably in her forties, and has worked here in the finance department for at least a couple of years. I feel bad for Francis...I think she's lonely. She lives alone with her pets (at least two dogs and one cat) and lives vicariously through her sister and her sister's family. Francis is severely overweight. I'm a poor judge of weight, so I'm not even going to attempt a guess. The floor shakes when she walks by, and sometimes my computer monitor bounces along with her steps.

It is really not my intention to sound like a biotch as I describe Francis as overweight--I just feel like this fits into my description of who she is, and my explanation of why I have named her Francis the Farter. Maybe because of her physique or for some other reason entirely, Francis farts ALL THE TIME. At first, I found it hilarious and had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep her from hearing me/thinking I was insane. I mean, I still find it as hilarious as a 10 year old boy would. She also burps a lot. Not sure if this is from the fast food she eats for lunch every day, but at least she realizes that the rest of us in the cubicle area can hear her burps, because afterwards she will often utter a quiet, "Oh! Excuse me."

Francis is the type of person you never want to talk to for very long, because she just keeps talking and talking and talking and sucking you further into the conversation, until you're thoroughly trapped, like quicksand. Besides her flatulence, the most interesting thing about Francis is the conversations she has with Ermatrude, the 100,000 year old secretary who sits at the desk on the other side of my cubicle. (I am surrounded by crazies.) I will get into Ermatrude more later, but most afternoons, Francis will waddle over to Erm's desk and stand there and they will chit chat forEVER about the most ubsurd things. For example, the other day they were talking and apparently ol' Erm was having some rodent problems at home. They were comparing past rodent issues they have had, but Erm just could not understand what animal was causing the destruction this time. So Francis proceded to recreate chipmunk, squirrel, and skunk NOISES. I swear, she stood two feet outside of my cubicle and squeaked like a chipmunk for ten minutes. I tried so, so hard not to laugh, but I might have piddled a little in my pants anyway. Ermatrude seemed to take it all very seriously though.

I am not sure if the rodent issue was ever resolved.