To Catch a Thief

It seems that the office has been targeted by what everyone is calling, "Damn thieves." Did they break in and steal our valuables? No. Our financial files? No. Our crappy furniture? No. It is so much worse. They have stolen....wait for it....OUR OLD GRAY 15-PASSENGER VAN!!!

You may remember an entry a while back regarding our new red Suburban and all the hullaballoo that went into choosing a name for said 'burb. The vehicle we were replacing was a large, 15-passenger van with the name of our non-profit detailed on the side. It was old and incredibly dangerous, especially when crazy-haired Ermatrude was the one driving. The brakes were the first significant loss the van faced, followed closely by the radio, the blinkers, the windshield-wipers, and the heat and AC. It would also die whenever it stopped at a light, stop sign, or had to make a sharp turn.

This morning, everything was going smoothly until about half an hour ago. Then one of the ladies noticed that the van, which is usually parked right outside the front door, is gone. And both sets of keys are in Erm's desk drawer. And the bench seats happen to be in the garage, but perhaps this is better for the criminals if they plan on stealing big-screen tvs or bicycles or children or something. Ermatrude has come over the loudspeaker a couple of times, pleading with the staff to let her know if we have any details about the missing van, which of course no one does. Most of us could not care less about that death trap, though I am grateful it is proving some entertainment on this Monday morning.

We have not received a ransom note yet for the gray van, but if you have any information, please let me know. I can't imagine that the van could have gotten very far...its severe problems would thoroughly foil any criminals attempting to travel more than a few miles...or at least go more than two miles per hour.

UPDATE: Now Ermatrude isn't sure if the van was here on Friday either. This kind of head start means that the damn thieves could be as many as 20 miles away! I am going to start checking eBay to see if it has popped up there yet.

ANOTHER UPDATE: The police officer has arrived. He seems convinced that some airhead here just duplicated the key and is off having a joyride in the van. Ummm...maybe if they wanted IMMINENT DEATH!