Vacuum of Glory

As my friends and family well know, I am sort of OCD when it comes to cleaning. I understand that this can be a pain in the arse from time to time, especially when I follow my roommates around and re-clean everything they have just cleaned (except for in their own rooms...that's their domain). I just have to know that our common areas are clean to my standards, okay? It is not my intention to threaten our trusting relationship, or rip on you and your methods, or whatever. I've just gotta know. I mean, I eat off those counters too.

I also have a habit of vacuuming. Incessantly. Maybe once a week (you thought I was going to say "day," didn't you? fool). Though our apartment floors have been delightfully dust and dirt-free recently, fall is just around the corner and with it will come the bits of brightly-colored leaves (wet and dry) that signify my favorite season. Our apartment is really more of a townhouse, with the garage and my bedroom on the first floor, the kitchen and living room on the second floor, and two bedrooms on the third floor. I love it, but it means lots of stairs. It's quite difficult to wield my upright Dirt Devil into all of those little corners and crevices when I'm worried I'm going to topple head over heels down to the basement with the vacuum crushing me the whole way. Not a pretty picture.

My roommate Megan has a small, handheld vacuum. I use it quite frequently, though I always feel like I'm trespassing when I go into her room to access the mini-vac's hiding place under her bathroom sink. She keeps telling me it's okay to go in there when she's not around, and I do, but this brings me back to my love of cleaning supplies (including vacuums) and how much I secretly desire them. So out of pure boredom this morning at the office, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond's website and perused the handheld vacuum page. Some very nice options! Especially knowing that I have one of those 20%-off coupons that they so cleverly send me every two weeks, knowing that it will burn a hole in my pocket until I cash it in, thinking I have saved SO much money when actually I never would have spent that money in the first place, had I not received the coupon.

I found some delightful little hand vacuums that looked just perfect for cleaning the stairs and my car and my bathroom floor (which attracts hair like Britney Spears attracts trouble, y'all). My eye was first drawn to these little beauts......until I realized I would be paying $39.99 for only 7.2 volts of power. And if I'm going to do this, I have got to do it RIGHT! Which means, more power.

Then my eye caught this:The Dyson Root 6™ Hand-held Vacuum. Had I found The One? It seemed perfect: "Root Cyclone™ technology means this hand-held never loses suction [AWESOME!]. Lightweight and ergonomic, this Dyson can handle large debris pick up [how large? like, a sandwich??] and features a combination accessory tool, crevice tool and lifetime washable filters (no bags to buy) [SCHWING! extra pieces! no hidden costs!]. Its one-touch emptying means you never have to touch the dirt [I HATE touching dirt!] and its tough construction give it the durability to withstand constant use [constant use! oooooh the possibilities!]. Recharges up to 3 times faster." Was this it?? I mean, so what if I have no idea what I'm looking at, or where I would even hold on, but maybe it's one of those vacuums that turns into a robot and cleans your whole house, then walks your dog and cooks filet mignon for dinner. Then, I saw the price tag: a whopping $149.99. I love me some vacuums, but not THAT much.

There were other perfectly nice-looking handheld vacs at the BB&B website, but then I decided that I ought to cover my bases and check out Target's selection. After all, Target is my mecca (and I would practically live there if they sent me 20%-off coupons too...hint hint, Target execs, I am giving you a really good idea. For free). Turns out, they have almost the same selection, except for this:Can you hear the angels singing in the background? This is the Euro-Pro Shark 800-watt Turbo Hand Vacuum. First off, I like how it vaguely resembles a shark. Shark Week was not too long ago on the Discovery Channel, and I sort of got into it this year. (Needless to say, I shall never again swim in the ocean. Ever. Unless maybe I go to Maui or something, where the water is probably so clear that you can see vicious, man-eating animals from a mile away.) After I got over the adorable fact that this looks like a shark, I read the description. Same suction as a full-size vac? Wow. Most of the hand-held vacuums I had looked at were about 15 volts of power...but this one was 800 watts. Now, I am not smart when it comes to math and conversions and whatnot. But a description for another mini-vac said that it was 15.6 volts and 28 watts. And using a nice piece of office stationary to do a little cross multiplication, I deduced that the Shark had 1435 volts. Or something. At least a heck of a lot more sucking power than these other paltry little hand vacs. So I was sold!

That's when I spied with my little eyes eleven words that made my balloon of elation deflate faster than I could say "I'mgoingtoTargetonmylunchbreak." Yes, at the bottom of the page, it read: This item is available online, but is not available in stores. WHAT?????? Is this why it's only $29.99, because you have to pay an arm and a leg to have it shipped to you? DAMN YOU, TARGET! I thoroughly HATE purchasing things online, when the actual stores are like five minutes away. I was angry and sad and lonely for my Shark all at the same time.

I Gchatted with Janie for a bit, and she managed to boost my spirits again. She said she would go with me to BB&B over lunch to look at their selection in person, and if none of their hand vacuums struck my fancy, I would be allowed to order the Shark from the Target website. Sigh, though, I had really gotten my hopes up for that little sharky-poo, and I wanted it NOW. I was going to nickname it Chompers and threaten centipedes and leaves and sandwiches with Chompers' immense power before sucking them up to their doom inside his cool silver belly.

I'll keep you all updated. I know this was a thrilling post and you are all now inspired to go buy your own mini vac. You can thank me later.