Things That Make Me Die Inside, Vol. 7: T-Rex vs. Becks

I don't know what scientists are doing over there in England, but it's certainly nothing important, like curing cancer or AIDS or herpes. No, it seems like they're looking into something FAR more important: how fast dinosaurs could run. Millions of years ago. Because as we all know, dinosaurs are (sadly) extinct, and there's nothing we can do about it (you hear that Michael Crighton??). An article on CNN.com today summarized the super important, earth-shattering findings that were published in the Royal Society's Biological Sciences.

Researchers at the University of Manchester studied the muscle and bone structures of five dinosaurs that ranged from very small (6.6 pounds) to very big (a six-ton T-rex). Zoologist William Sellers led the study and found that "they were all perfectly capable of running." (Ummm duh.) Then the brilliant team of dedicated nerds compared their findings to the bone and muscle structures of Man, particularly those in the professional sports industry (i.e., Mr. Posh Spice) and deduced that dinosaurs could, in fact, run faster.

Now, to say that a 12,000-pound ferocious beast who had to chase down its supper every night could outrun David Beckham is not asking for a huge leap of faith. I mean, I saw Jurassic Park. I watched that T-rex chasing the Jeep after Jeff Goldblum was rescued from the Toilet of Tragedy where the lawyer lost his life in what was probably the funniest animal-eats-human scene, like, ever. That T-rex was BOOKING it, and if that tree limb hadn't gotten in the way, the movie would have been a bit shorter (and a bit better, if you ask my opinion). So I've gotta ask you British scientists...did you ever DOUBT that dinosaurs could run really fast? Were you just looking for some way to study Becks more closely? You really need to get over the fact that he doesn't play for Manchester United anymore. He's ours now, we stole him from you just like we stole America, SUCKAZZZ!! Better keep an eye on Prince William, that's all I gotta say...