JANIE: Hey, how are you doing?
ME: Um, fine! How are you?
JANIE: Oh I'm good...look, I just wondered if you were okay, because I mean, you've been writing about centipedes an awful lot recently. You seem pretty consumed.
ME: Hmm, I guess you're right. I have written a lot about centipedes recently. I'll try to move on.
So this post will not be about centipedes. KIDDING! Yes it will! But see how my two posts earlier today had nothing to do with the insect spawn of Satan? Well that was for Variety and Change. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Last night started out quite normal. I came home from work, went running around the bread-scented park, showered, made dinner, and watched a little television with the roommates (by the way, not sure how I feel about Private Practice...I am thinking Addison ought to have stayed at Seattle Grace, but I need to watch another episode before I confirm my suspicions that it is WEAK). Then I decided, hey, I ought to go read for a bit and expand my mind before hitting the hay. So la di da, turned off the lights, walked down to the basement, kicked off my flip flops and was about to sit on the bed when GAHHHHHH THAT IS THE BIGGEST BUG I HAVE EVER SEEN HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN!
There is one window in my room, and I usually keep the blinds shut since, you know, living in the basement means my window is only five inches above the actual ground and passers-by aren't invited to THIS free show, no siree. To cover up my basically useless portal into the outside world, I have a sheer green curtain over it. It's sort of ghetto, but hey, it matches my bedspread.
So imagine my horror when I sit down on my bed, facing the window, and notice that there is the biggest centipede I have EVER seen staring back at me from behind the sheer curtain. It was like the fucker was HIDING there, just waiting for me to get back! Once again, my basic natural instincts to fight or flight totally abandoned me, and I just froze. For a good couple of minutes. What to do?! Flip flops AND sneakers were nearby...good. Mini-vacuum was also nearby, but rendered useless by cunning centipede hiding behind curtain...bad. If only Chompers was here! He could probably fix this predicament! But no, he is a traitor and dead to me and we shall never speak of him again.
This picture doesn't really do the centipede justice...he looked MUCH larger in real life, but there was no way I was going to hold a quarter up there for visual reference. As Whitney Houston would say, "Hell to the NO." I knew what I had to do (SQUISH with sneaker) but I am always terrified that it will (1) run and hide and then I'll have to sleep on the couch for the next year, or (2) it will fight back and ATTACK! BITE BITE BITE! GO FOR THE JUGULAR!I began to shake uncontrollably. Then I asked myself, "What would Jack Shepard do on LOST?" And just like pretty, pretty-haired Kate when she was about to escape the Others in season two, I knew that brave, handsome, slightly-mental Jack would count to five very slowly and allow all the fear to leave by the time he was done. So I counted to five (trust me, the pause between 4 and 5 was a helluva lot longer than the pause between 1 and 2). Then I ever-so-slowly reached for a sneaker (which was actually just under the centipede, but he took no notice...hmmm perhaps his sensory skills were actually weakened by his hiding spot behind the curtain SO WHO'S CUNNING NOW??). Then I took a step back...readied every muscle in my puny arm, and SPRUNG! Like a rabbit! Like a cougar! Like the Flash!
I can't describe the crunch (but I can post a picture). It was sickening. Also sickening was the messy goop left behind, half of which ended up on the curtain (which immediately went into the washing machine). FYI, that 409 spray does an AMAZING job of cleaning the walls. It also took off that smudge Alex's suitcase made last weekend. Brilliant!So Janie, I promise to write about subjects other than centipedes...once in a while, anyway. The maintenance man is coming today to try some new sort of spray, which will hopefully keep the fearful creatures at bay for, oh, a week or so. But don't judge me, when your apartment is on the second floor and the most pesky thing you ever had to deal with was that one time you had a party and we stole all of your toilet paper and television remotes. So NO, dear friend, it will NOT stop. Not until my quest to rid the apartment of these devil bugs is complete!
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