To the Bird Who Just Crapped on My Car

Dear Bird Who Just Crapped on My Car,

I am so glad that I forgot my yogurt on the front seat of my car when I came into the office half an hour ago. If I had not, this morning's predicted rain might have washed away the masterpiece you so thoughtfully left on my hood before I could view and admire it. I must say--that is the most gigantic poo I have EVER seen, and I am quite frankly a bit surprised that it did not leave a dent. You must have placed it there with the gentleness of a mother laying her newborn baby down for a nap. I am so impressed that all my usual feelings of euw-gross-I-have-to-wash-that-off-NOW have been (mostly) suppressed.

I have not had very good experience with your species in the past. In elementary school, just as I was entering that awkward phase when my mother began to let me dress myself and I chose bicycle shorts/denim skirt/turtleneck combinations a lot, we were reading outside one afternoon and a brother of yours deemed it necessary to poo on my head. Perhaps he was not a fan of my outfit that day...looking back, I probably would have done whatever I could to make me change my outfit as well. Needless to say, I was utterly mortified and tears were shed and I have since had a steadfast vendetta against all animals with wings (except unicorns and dragons, since they are mythical creatures, of course).

And then there was that time in college when my friends and I were driving back to school from the mall and a goose or seagull or some other kind of large white bird flew smack into the middle of my car. I am 99% sure that he perished, but I think he was quite unwell to begin with, because seriously how often do birds FLY INTO THE SIDES OF CARS? Either way, I will never forget him because the impact of his beak left a good-sized ding in the left passenger door, as well as a slew of feathers, one of which I considered burying when we got back to school but then decided no, birds are filthy creatures of the sky and I don't want to get bird flu. And I had that whole vendetta thing that I still carried with me from that unfortunate incident in fourth grade.

But oh Bird Who Just Crapped on My Car, YOU deserve a prize for this massive gift, left upon my vehicle when I least expected it! Or at least a high five. Or a tip of my hat, since I don't want to touch your dirty, dirty wing. If pooing was an Olympic sport (as perhaps it should be), there is no doubt in my mind that you would be the champion. You would win GOLD, my avian friend!

I wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors. I hope all is well with your digestive system. Maybe you just ate Chipotle and drank a few beers last night, and this morning you are feeling the effects. I understand. I hope my office mates see the masterpiece you left upon my vehicle today, since it will be viciously scrubbed off tonight in the car wash.

Au revoir!
Margo