A Run in the Park

I'm really going to show my crazy stripes here, but this is the thought process that occurred yesterday evening as I was going for a run through the park. The park that smells gloriously of doughnuts and other baked goods all the time, since the Wonder Bread bakery is only a few short blocks away...which makes running sort of difficult, since all I want to do is eat CARBS DELICIOUS SWEET CARBS MMMMMMMMM.

5:45pm Good work Margo, you've put on your running shoes. They say that's the hardest part...though the actual workout itself can be hard too...maybe I'm just out of shape.

5:47pm Where's my dang iPod Shuffle?

5:51pm Ahh, it's here in the laundry basket, clipped to the shirt I wore the other day. Good thing I am lazy and didn't wash anything this weekend. Though the new Shuffles come in such pretty colors...I mean, if this one broke I'd be forced to replace it...

6:00pm Alright! On the sidewalk! Shuffle ON! Wooo I love Mya! My love is ALSO like WHOA!

6:11pm Jesus, I am out of shape.

6:20pm Aaaaand okay...must...stop...for air...

6:24pm This is nice, I'll just speedwalk off all the wine and food consumed at the wedding over the weekend. Totally. I probably only need to speedwalk, like, 47 miles to do it. No problem! Piece of cake! Piece of...oh man...DOUGHNUTS I SMELL DOUGHNUTS OH MY GOSH THEY SMELL SO GOOOOOOD!

6:26pm The wind has picked up. Doughnut smell isn't so strong anymore. Phew, temptations have eased up. Maybe I'll start running again. Oooh Enrique Iglesias! Don't turn out the LIIIIEEEEEGHTS!!! Okay yes, time to run, that was a nice break.

6:34pm What is this song? What is this you've chosen for me, iPod Shuffle? I don't recognize...oh wait. It's "Mister Cellophane" from the Chicago soundtrack.

6:35pm This is a good song, dang how I love musicals. Wish I was in one. Must remember never to tell that to anyone.

6:36pm Hmm I wonder if it is a coincidence that "cellophane" has the same number of syllables as "centipede"...what if I changed the song to say CENTIPEDE INSTEAD??

And that was how, for the next 30 minutes, I played "Mister Cellophane" on repeat and came up with the following lyrics (with the part of Amos being played by a huge centipede wearing a battered top hat, jacket, and white gloves on each of his millions of legs):

If something crawled up on your wall
And raised his head up nice and tall
And waved his arms
And shook his legs
You'd notice him

If someone in the bed down there
Yelled "Jesus Christ I'm really scared,
This whole place is infested! FUCK!"
You'd notice him

And even without hiding in the den
Bugs go unnoticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that large insect should be
Highly-visible, horrifying meeeeee!

Centipede
Mister Centipede
I am blessed with speed!!!!
Mister Centipede
'cause you can try to kill me
Try to smush me
But I'll always be there!

I tell ya
Centipede
Mister Centipede
I am blessed with speed
Mister Centipede
'cause you can try to kill me
Try to smush me
But I'll always be there...

Suppose you was a little gal
Residin' with her two good pals
Who screamed each time she saw your face?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman 'fraid
And sleepin' in a double bed above the place my eggs I've laid
You'd notice him

A centipede is made of more than air
With all those legs, you're bound to see him there

Because that centipede next to you
Is ginormous, terrifyingly scary
You...know...who...

...should have been my name
Mister Centipede
'cause you can try to kill me
Try to smush me
But I'll always be there
I tell ya
Centipede
Mister Centipede
I am blessed with speed!!!!
Mister Centipede
'cause you can try to kill me
Try to smush me
But I'll always be there!
But I, I'll ALWAAAAAAAAAAYS...be theeeere

Then the centipede removes his hat, bows, and runs to hide behind my toilet. Look for an upcoming entry in which I take "We Both Reached for the Gun" and turn it into "I Reached for My Trusty Worn-Down Flip Flop." Full of marionette centipedes! Oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes! COMING SOON!