Ohmigod, FORKS!

Dear Co-Workers,

I don't understand where all the forks go everyday. Seriously, where do they go? It's still early in the lunch hour, and I can't imagine that many breakfast foods require forks. I mean, coffee? tea? yogurt? cereal? Spoons are needed for ALL of those. What are you eating in the morning once you get to the office, scrambled eggs? a light fluffy fritata? CAKE? I was just in the kitchen warming up my Lean Cuisine (because it's Monday and I'm LAZY, okay?) and there was not a fork to be found. Spoons aplenty, of course, but no four-pronged utensils that would allow me to easily consume my delectable ravioli. Have you ever tried to eat a big ol' ravioli with a spoon? No? Well let me fill you in--it is QUITE challenging. I bet MENSA students would have a hard time doing it. So did I cry when the inevitable happened and a slippery ravioli escaped the spoon and landed on my skirt, giving the appearance that my upper thigh is surfing the crimson wave? NO. No tears were shed, because tears are for PANSIES and I will not be made a fool by you all and your fork-hoarding ways.

Maybe I am blame-shifting. Maybe the forks ran away on their own. Is that it? Is it THEIR fault? Are all the forks off dancing under a rainbow with unicorns and all the lost socks from dryers the world over, laughing to themselves and singing about how they escaped the horrible fate of helping Margo eat her lunch today? I mean, it doesn't matter that that is their one and only purpose in life. Maybe they would rather be frolicking far away from our dark kitchen with its herb wallpaper and stained linoleum. I don't blame them. That wallpaper is FUGLY.

So just remember this little tale of woe next time you bring ravioli into work for lunch, fellow co-workers. You may have some forks stored up in your secret hidy holes now, but mark my words, I will be starting my own fork collection first thing tomorrow morning. So BEWARE!

Love,
Margo